Ahhh, motherhood. Or as Erma Bombeck would say, the second oldest profession.
I am a mother of three. And after it feeling like forever through the days and years of Covid, just like that, I have thrice maturing and busy children. And they, a post-autoimmune encephalitis exhausted mother.
As we enter the school year with three different schools, distinct start times, short preschool days, different end times, and forty (maybe eight?) different activities, my mind is beleaguered with what’s to come. And also, with what it would have looked like.
It probably shouldn’t still preoccupy me, but it does. If I remained an owner and operator of Stebbins Mulloy, and got to work by 7am and couldn’t imagine leaving before 6pm, what would the days look like for me? And for Sean? And for the two kids?
I say two kids, because the honest reality is that without my illness, we wouldn’t have had Miss A.E. No traumatizing illness and near-death experience, no sweetest little girl ever.
I only “wanted” two kids. I thought that what we had, a boy and a girl, just two years apart, was “perfect.” And after years and years of sacrifice, Sean was home full-time to tend to their every need. I could work forever and ever, they’d be cared for, and I’d make mad money to do and buy all the things.
I still think of the “what would have beens,” because it’s hard not to. My mind still travels back to when everything was wrapped up into my black suits and big desk. The fancy letterhead. The endless meetings. And the long hours coupled with the intense and overwhelming stress.
Maybe it’s part that I wish I could see how it all would have unfolded. What our lives would look like now. But it’s also a lot more. I ponder what kind of mother I would have been to those two children.
Just last session, Dr. Nev earnestly told me that I’m a much better mom now than I ever would have been. And I concurred. We are always looking for beauty in my new situation and this is something I cannot overlook and must radically embrace. (But yes, it’s still me, so she needs to beat me over the head with things.) (See also a day in the life of Sean.)
For my first-ever JM Stebbins speech to a group of Hospice professionals, my bestie, Ashley’s, mom, Sue, (whew) introduced me. And while she gave me props for being a great mom, she tried hard to make the group understand just what my practice and career ambitions meant to me. I can vividly see and hear her telling them about me giving it my all.
And then having all that taken away.
Sue was correct. I gave it my all day-to-day, but I was still a great mom to my kids. The limited time I had with them, I was there, and I did a lot behind the scenes. And we lived for our camping weekends where I unplugged for nearly three days. Where we rode bikes and ate licorice (not knowing then that at least two of us had Celiac disease).
Dr. Nev is correct. In my new life, I’m a much better mother than I ever would have been. And it’s not just because I’m gainfully unemployed as a trial lawyer. It’s because of my mindfulness. My sincere desire to get rid of the constant fixation with productivity and preoccupation with life. It’s because I’ve finally realized that you can’t spend your days waiting for the next day or the next big thing. It’s because I learned my today days, with my kids in all their ages and stages, are the most important things. That the right now is the only thing I should fixate on. And I’ve genuinely begun to understand and accept my anxiety, and how it was bad for me and for those all around me.
It does help that I don’t work ten to twelve hours a day, early in the morning, late at night, and always on weekends. Although I still miss my job enough that I have to seriously remind myself what a “blessing” that is (accompanying my shit-health).
I cannot imagine what my old life would look like now. Mostly, because I cannot imagine a world where I don’t have my third baby. Where God gave me her as a gift after she was the biggest surprise of my life. The news wasn’t easy, but I had to trust there was a plan.
And that there was.
That we’d become a group of five. That I’d be more present than ever. That I’d get to take care of one baby all the way to Kindergarten, rather than running off after a few days to six weeks. And that I would learn the true meaning of mindfulness.
(I am not, however, a “perfect” mother. Ask any one of my children and they’ll tell you about what a stark raving lunatic I am who is always yelling and lecturing them when we’re in the car. And how I ask too many questions and am too “bossy.” How I get exasperated at them and snap. And as of last night, how I’ve banned them from chewing gum in the house, car, or anywhere near me. They’re going to grow up to make so much fun of me, and I can’t wait to hear it.)
Being a mom is hard. It was hard as the lawyer who never had enough time and it’s very hard as the mom who worries that every ache, pain, or appointment means terrifying news for my health and mortality.
Being a mom is swimming through choppy waters. Every day. No matter your personal situation. But (hopefully), it’s part of the process to get to the calm.
And I’m so glad I’m here for it. Giving it my all.
Life’s full of surprises, friends. You just never know how they’ll be packaged.
Love you moms (and dads) and everyone.
jackie
“Hope you always know your worth
Though I know that life can hurt
“Sometimes life can feel unfair
Broken hearts you can't repair
Sometimes you might be scared that no one gets you
“Girls you were born to run
To reach the stars and chase the sun
“Hope the road ahead is clear
And I hope you know when I'm not here
That you'll always have the love
Of your mother” ~ Girls by Rachel Platten
*This blog is dedicated to my momma, Colleen. We are pictured together on top, on Mother's Day, May 13, 2018, just one day prior to me entering the psych ward. The middle photo is from the last lawyer-headshots taken of me in August 2017, not too long before I started to get sick. The bottom photo is from World Encephalitis Day 2024, when my kids accompanied me on the local CBS morning show my dear friend hosts. I'm only a good mom, because I've been so fortunate to have one of the best!
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/ / The JM Stebbins blog is an autoimmune encephalitis blog from former lawyer and autoimmune encephalitis survivor, Jackie M. Stebbins.
Jackie M. Stebbins is also the author of Unwillable: A Journey to Reclaim my Brain, a book about autoimmune encephalitis, resilience, hope, and survival. / /
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